The Kingfish Way “ Mid-Life Crisis Indicator”
(If you can identify with three or more items on the list, you’re probably mid-lifin’.)
Women: Boob job, tattoo where it can’t be seen, Botox, new membership at the gym (with personal trainer), double extra large D&G sunglasses, red 4 ½ high heels that you can’t walk in, in the closet eating donuts at 2am, screaming meltdowns (sorry, but you know it’s true), can’t get the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” out of your mind, a bottle of diet pills in your purse, has the AC set on 60 in the winter, can’t wait for the next Grey’s Anatomy, ordered a revealing little black dress from Boston Proper but returned it, cries during commercials, purchased a Neckline slimmer, spending hours every day on Facebook, 4 cases of Nutrisystem in the garage, Harlequin novels all over the house, wonders where you would be if you had married the “other one”, fantasies about________, desire to attend a new-age retreat, spent $300 at ULTA.com on brown spot remover, just ordered yet another body, mind and spirit improvement book from Amazon, window gazing at Victoria Secret and read up on hormone supplements.
Men: Earring, tattoo where it can be seen, you own any two seat car, Men’s Health Magazines next to the toilet, brightly colored silk shirts, Lucky Brand jeans with holes in the knees, actually asked your golfing buddies “Is this all there is?” and now you’re the brunt of jokes, considering doing something about those yellow toenails, Gucci loafers, Tommy Bahama “Bad to the Bone” Camp Shirt, retro sunglasses, had your teeth whitened, visited a tanning booth, stopped by the Harley-Davidson dealership and looked at a few hogs, wonder why you don’t have a butt anymore, shaves chest, shaves back, shaves other parts, started attending a yoga class, ordered a Kenny Chesney Cowboy Hat, shows off your latest iPhone app at Rotary Club meetings, talked to the Dr about a little help with the love machine, calls people “Dude”, thinks about Botox, spandex running pants, holds in gut when girls walk by, unopened P90X DVDs on the coffee table, empty hair dye boxes in the trash, window gazing at Victoria Secret and read up on hormone supplements.
Well? That’s what I thought, Every Day A Friggin’ Holiday, see you at Victoria Secret!